| Interviewee | My first post-graduate interview. I'm so nervous. I could be meeting my new boss. I may be spending a lot of time in this building, maybe even on this couch outside the boss's office. Better check my resume. Make sure there aren't any tyupos. The resume has to be perfect. One typo, and I might as well go back to sweeping floors at Burger Barn. |
| Interviewer | Hm, I wonder if that job applicant's sat there long enough? I guess I'll make this my last game of solitare and let him in. Fifteen minutes is enought time to put him on edge so he'll do something stupid , and I 'll have a good defense for not hiring him. "WOO HOO! I won!" That's my seventh win in a row. I'm on a roll. Maybe I should play just one more game. Naah. I'll interview this guy first, get that out of the way, wthen go back to executive solitarire. "Mrs. Higgens?" |
| Secretary | "Yes, sir?" |
| Inverviewer | "Send in the next applicant." I bet he's wearing a navy blue/maroon stripped tie. One job interviewing 'specialist' calls it the perfect interview tie, and every Tom, Dick, and Harry runs out and buys one. I should ahve gone into the tie business. Then I'd be just as rich as I am know, but I wouldn't have to interview people and stare at their ugly ties. |
| Interviewee | "Hello, sir. It's a pleasure, sir. Thank you for seeing me, sir" That's it, show a lot of confidence. Exude confidence. Become the paragon of confidence. |
| Interviewer | This guy is even more obnoxious than most. Shaking my hand, calling me sire repeatedly, acting all confident. He must have attended a half dozen 'How-to-interview' seminars. Why do they teach those things? "It's good to meet you, Mr. Hansen. Have a seat, please." That's it. Smile. Be pleasant. Don't let him know he's ticked you off and doesn't have a chance. |
| Interviewee | "My resume, sir." That's right. Proudly give him your resume. Let him read it and discover how wonderful you are. |
| Interviewer | "Thank you. Let's see what you have here." Another fluff resume. Education, employment in after school-type jobs, basic skills like wordprocessing and spreadsheets, service--like I care about service. He probably only did service to impress universities and potential employers. I see resumes like this all the time. This is so generic, and he put it on heavy bond paper--what a waste of good paper. And look at that smiling idiot, just as proud as he can be. Oh, well, time to pretend to be impressed. "I see you've done a lot of servie. We like community-minded employees at this firm." |
| Interviewee | He called me an employee. I'm practically hired. I knew the bond paper would impress him. "I feel it's important to be aware of others around you, be concerned with their needs, and help them whenever possible." Oh, that answer should go in a textbook. |
| Interviewer | That answer sounded like it came out of a textbook. Does he really think anyone's actually impressed by that drivel? "That's a very good attitude to have, son." |
| Interviewee | He called me son. Maybe he has a cute daughter he wants to marry off. That would be the ultimate job security--marrying the boss' daughter. You can't fire your son-in-law. "Thank you, sir. You've probably noticed my list of skills. I can use a Word Processor, Spreadsheets, and I can type 55 wpm. I'm good at math, and I'm a hard worker." |
| Interviewer | I can't believe it. He actually wrote hard worker on his resume. Boy, that's an objective testimonial. And word processing skills. Like he's the only person in the universe that can use a computer. "That's quite a list of skills. It looks like you left college with more than just a degree." |
| Interviewee | "Yes, sir." Oh, this is going so well. He is genuinely impressed with me. Maybe it's time to ask about compensation. "I've looked into your company quite a bit, sir, and I see you offer very competative benefits." |
| Interviewer | He would research the benefits--not current projects, not corporate needs--but the benefits. Typical college graduate. I should have played another game of solitaire. "We do. We feel our employees are our greatest asset, and we're willing to spend the money to get the best." His eyes just widened. He's counting the money before he's even hired. Typical college graduate. |
| Interviewee | "That's a very smart practice. If employees feel they are appreciated and well compensated, they are more likely to work hard and less likely to waste company resources whereas companies that don't spend..." |
| Interviewer | Blah, blah, blah. This kid took one class in human resources, and now he's an expert. I deal with HR everyday, and not the nice, little, simple problems with obvious answeres they give you in school. I could actually get sued if I get the answer wrong. "It sounds like you took those business classes to heart." |
| Interviewee | Education is the key to a brighter future, so I worked my hardest to get that key." Oh, another textbook quote. |
| Interviewer | Ugh, another textbook quote. |
| A half hour passes with more questions and more answers. | |
| Interviewer | "Well, Mr. Hansen, I appreciate your time and interest in this company. I still have several more candidates to interview, so I can't say anything right now. I should finish interviewing by Friday. If you don't hear from me in a couple of weeks, feel free to call. Here's my car." Now take it and go. GO! I can't keep up this nice act much longer. |
| Interviewee | "Thank you , sir. I really appreciate you taking so much time out of your busy schedule to read my resume, interview me, and get to know me. I know I enjoyed our time together, and I feel somehow enriched by talking with you. I look forward to, hopefully, many more conversations with you." Oh, if that deosn't seal the deal, I don't know what will. |
| Interviewer | Oh, if that isn't the biggest pile of pasture fertilizer... and I have six more like him to interview today. I bet they'll all be clones of this guy, too. |
| Interviewee | That's my cell phone ringing. "I'd better get this. Hello? Oh, hi honey. No, you didn't call at a bad time. I just finished the interview. I'm walking out of the boss' office now. It went great! I wish I would have had a tape recorder to preserve and archive some of my brillian responses. Oh they were good. The other candidates don't have a chance." |
| Interviewer | Poor kid. He'll have a hard time finding work. And he's got a wife to support. I'd feel bad for her, but she's probably as bad as he is. I hope they haven't reproduced yet. Time for more solitaire. "Mrs. Higgens, hold my calls. I'll be indisposed for the next two hours." |
©2003 Jeff Thomason |