I'm amazed at how much junk gets labeled as art. Are people really that gullible?

I came up with this at the spur of the moment on a car ride home. My family was really impressed I came up with it all by my lonesome.

I'm always recommending to my engaged friends that they bring a date to their own wedding, because it'll be their last chance.

None of them have listened to me yet. in fact, they get kind of mad at the suggestion.

Every expression and saying can be turned on its head.

I never get picked in drawings, unless the prize really sucks.

I'm not sure what sounds of nature people are listening too, but nature's never soothed my nerves.

In college, almost all my friends got married, so I got a lot of wedding invites. And they usually came around the same time with long gaps of time in between.

If you wait just a little while, you can usually get the hot item at a much lower price.

Of course, you probably won't want it by then.

I like to take things literally.

I've had this conversation before.

I'm often accused of being too honest and blunt.

Personally, I like to know where I stand with others. Why doesn't everyone else?

I'm not sure why politicians bother to make promises; they almost never keep the good ones.

Being an Economist, I understand that you have to pay for entertainment if you want it to be produced. When people steal movies or music instead of buying them, they're only destroying the market and making it less likely that that kind of entertainment will be produced.

If you like a movie, buy it. That sends a signal to movie makers to make more. If you steal it, the movie makers won't make as much, so they won't be as willing to make another movie like it.

Steal all the bad movies and music you like. Maybe Hollywood will stop putting them out.

I worked with a girl who was a little cat crazy. You know the kind.

I've noticed the term 'closed minded' is just another way of saying 'your opinion is different than mine so that makes you wrong'.

This actually happened to me when I was flying back to Arizona after Christmas. I came up with that witty line on the spot.

I was flying home for Christmas, and a lady ran up to the terminal and asked if the plane had been cancelled yet. Apparently she had been trapped for two days, because her flights kept getting cancelled. It wasn't long before the announcement came that the plane would be delayed and may not make it to Salt Lake.

I knew it was that lady's fault. She should not have said anything.

Fortunately the plane took off, and we were only an hour late getting to our destination.

On a flight the next Christmas, we flew all the way to Idaho Falls, circled the airport for half and hour, then turned around and went back to Salt Lake. We could all see the runway, but apparently the pilot couldn't. I took me another four hours to get home.

This happens to me everytime I stay up past ten.

I'm always telling people this, but they never believe me.

I always try to buy a song on iTunes first. There's no reason a company shouldn't have their music for sale on iTunes. They're just begging you to steal it otherwise.

When I moved to Arizona the second time, it took me a while to find a good job. I had a lot of interviews, but no offers. I finally asked one interviewer why she wasn't going to hire me. She said I was too creative and would get bored with what she had to offer.

She was probably right, but we'll never know.

I've never understood how those that actually produce the goods and services get paid so little, while those who do little more than sit in their offices practicing their golf swing get all the money.

The ironies of the job market.

This actually happened to me, too.

Again, this is a real life experience almost verbatim.

This one I made up.

I had a job title that was long and made no sense. I didn't know what that was when I applied for the job—or when I interviewed for it—but it had web in it, and I was applying to almost every job that even had a hint of possibility.

When I started training, I told my fellow co-workers what my title was. They kept asking "What's that?" so I created a cool nickname, Web Dude. Then they got it.

Sort of.

Even after my title changed to something you'd actually hear in the industry, I kept calling myself Web Dude, because it had really taken on a life of its own at that point.

When I finished college and started working full time, I ate out a lot, because I finally had the time and money.

I really enjoyed it.

While I was in college, everyone's first question was "What's your major?"

Their next question was "What are you going to do with that?"

I always answered, "The same thing everyone else does with their college degree—something completely unrelated."

When I started my second job out of college, my bosses couldn't believe how fast I was. They rewarded me with more and more work. I ended up doing four times as much as my predecessor. During my first performance review, I was hesitant to ask for a raise, but I felt I deserved one. The VP of Marketing recognized how much I was contributing and pried the information out of me.

I really appreciated having someone recognize my efforts like that.

I'm amazed at how much a person can get away with. It's scary.

After three months at my second job, I wanted to find another job, but they kept giving me raises and telling me how wonderful I was, so I stayed. It means a lot to be appreciated.

I felt bad how one of the company's I worked for treated our customers. We were really small and didn't have the resources to serve them as well as they wanted.

My dad is always so amazed at technology. He can't believe what they keep coming up with. He's always comparing it to the old days. He hated the old days, but for some reason he likes to pretend they were good times.

One of my duties as Web Dude was to promote our investment services. I always had a hard time with the genereal promotions. I couldn't understand why people would go to an investment representatives. If the advisors really knew what they were doing, they wouldn't have to work—they'd be rich and living the good life.

I feel like this most mornings if I have something unpleasant scheduled.

I always like to look at things in ways people never expect. Whenever someone tells me it could be worse, I remind them it could be better and wonder why it isn't. Am I the only one who's ever thought of that?

I think the media has ruined most people's happiness. They create this imaginary world that seems so wonderful that real life can't compete. I find I'm happiest when I accept things for what they are instead of trying to make them like the fairy tale I want them to be.

Watch the Alanis Morrisette video "Precious Illusions". You'll see what I mean.

I actually said this to someone at work. They weren't sure whether to laugh or look at me strange.

A month and a half after I started at my second job, we were going to celebrate all the February and March birthdays together, because there were so many of them and they were so close. They listed everyone's birthday but mine on the invite. I was pretty hurt. Fortunately, one of my co-workers saw that an emailed everyone to include my birthday on it to.

The next year everyone forgot again until I reminded them. They felt so bad and were so embarrassed. I would have been hurt again, but this time I was expecting it.

When I was little, I was so jealous I didn't get junk mail like my parents. Even my little brother started getting stuff before me.

When I finally did start getting offers in the mail, my name was spelled wrong, or my address was mistyped. I couldn't believe they thought so little of me.

After working in Marketing for four years, I can see how little they did care about me. Junk mail is actually bad. I shouldn't have been jealous of my parents; they should have been jealous of me.

I like to sing at work. I have yet to find a co-worker that likes hearing me sing at work.

In college, one of the many places I worked decided to get uniforms. They were so happy and so proud. I still can't believe they paid money for those things.

Who hasn't felt like this.

I've found you can't produce anything artistic without others telling you how you did it wrong and what you need to do to make it better.

If they're so good, why not do it themselves instead of paying me to do it?

I find people who have the most advice to give are the ones who need help the most.

My first job out of college was really eye opening. I thought I'd have so much more time and flexibility.

Boy was I wrong. Work really is work.

Here's a piece of advice: enjoy your time in school—you'll never have more free time until you retire.

When my sister started her Radiology program in college, she was also working and always complaining about how hard her life was, how busy she was, and how no one in the world could possibly understand.

I had no sympathy. I had it a lot worse.

A co-worker of mine went to see Brokeback Mountain, but it was sold out. I was as surprised as she was. It looked so long and boring. Why would anyone want to see that?

This comic was the only answer I could come up with.

So many people would rather suffer than admit someone else was right.

When I started at my second job, I bought a lot of candy and kept it in a jar they gave me in training.

I had so much, and I wanted to have a good relationship with my co-workers, so I put a sign saying, "Jeff's Jar of Joy—help yourself!"

Pretty soon the jar was empty, and I never bothered to refill it, because I was eating too much candy. Then someone stole it. It was probably for the best

I had a roommate that ragged on the new Rob Thomas song when it came out. A week later he really liked it. (As he should have—it was a good song.)

People are fickle.

This would describe so many people I know.

I get really annoyed at people who won't form an opinion of their own, but quote some noted sorce instead. They don't judge ideas by their worth, but by their source. They're missing out on so much.

There's a really good part in the comic book Green Lantern: Mosaic number 1 by Gerard Jones and Cully Hamner that talks about this too. Pick it up if you get a chance.

When I was little, all I wanted was more stuff. Now that I'm older, I'm trying to get by with as little as possible.

Possessions are like chains. They tie you down whether you realize it or not.

I've always wanted to say this. Unfortunately, the mornings I feel like it, everyone leaves out the good.

One of these days.

When I started working and having taxes deducted, I was horrified at how much I was losing.

As I made more money, I kept getting less and less of it, so I started dreading raises instead of hoping for them.

I'm always amazed at how miserable other people like to make me.

I like to come up with nontraditional responses, especially to strange questions and tired old sayings.

I never say, "What's up," and I dread hearing other people say it. So this was my response for about four months around the time of a presidential election.

People stopped asking me, "What's up?" pretty quick.

To me, my birthday is the most important day of the year. I think the world should stop for it.

Unfortunately for me, no one else agrees, so I usually find my self very sad when the day comes.

This is based on a question our class was posed in Sunday School: if you were taken to court and accused of being a christian, would there be enough evidence to convict you.

Nearly a week after my birthday, some of my friends found out and took me out to birthday dinner.

I was really happy.

I was there when this happened.

This was inspired by all the promises others have made to me and never kept.

I never learned how to handle success in school.

Did you?

I got courtside tickets at work and had to decided who to take.

I realized that in school when teachers gave you credit for trying, they were setting you up for failure. It sounds like a nice thing to do, but no one is going to pay you for trying (unless you're a doctor—but that's another story). You actually have to produce results, or you're fired.

Giving people credit for trying is actually hurting them, not helping them.

This actual happened.

Being grateful actually makes you a better and happier person.

Try it.

I'm amazed how many people are so consumed with themselves, that they are totally oblivious to how others are around them.

I find that people who say they don't care actually care the most.

Most people don't realize what they're saying.

No good deed goes unpunished.

If it wasn't for health insurance, then market forces would force prices down, so that 1) doctors would be making less than auto mechanics, and 2) they'd actually have to cure you to get paid.

One night while driving home from an activity, I heard a lady on the radio say panels one, two, and four. I practically screamed panel three back at the radio.

I wonder if she heard me?

This was another of my spontaneous, witty remarks I made in some class.

People are so paranoid of being sued, that they put the most pointless warnings on jars.

For example, a jar of peanut butter has the following warning at the bottom: contains peanuts.

This is the reason I don't play sports.

I guess I still have some growing to do, because I delight in seeing others eat their own words.

Concepts like consistancy, teamwork, and synergy are not inherently good. You can be perfect in all three and still be horrible.

I tried joining a volleyball tournament that was just for fun.

It wasn't.

I'm amazed at how many people will respect self-appointed authority as much as real authority.

I try to look at the big picture, but sometimes it just doesn't help me in the here and now.

I find my ability to do things is directly correlated with my desire to do it.

I'm sometimes too hard on my mom.

I find it doesn't matter how many things you have to do, what counts is how many things you have that you want to do.

Puns are great. Don't listen to those people that tell you puns are the lowest form of humor. Those people are communists.

This is a bit of advice from my dad.

I find it to be true way too much of the time.

Once they found out how fast and efficient I was at my second job, they decided to quadruple my work load.

Just because I can do more, doesn't mean I want to, though it did give me a lot of good experience and an awesome portfolio.

I hate hearing about investing and how I need to start.

The secret to investing is unfair advantage. If you play by the rules, you're not going to do very well.

That's actually true of most things in life.

Employers are very inconsistant.

I blame it on a lack of character, not a lack of ability.

You can rename organic waste anything all you want, but that doesn't make it smell any sweeter.

My brothers and I visited Montecello one summer. You never hear about all the debt the founding fathers accumulated. It was very eye opening.

This used to happen to me all the time with my designs at work. I got sick of it and started asking several people for their imput before I submitted a comp.

Now it's rare that I have to make any real changes.

This is an old joke from Jr. High. It's still a classic.

There is a trade off between quality of life and length of life.

I personally would rather burn with the brightest stars for a moment than choose a dim flicker for an eternity.

But that doesn't mean I have a death wish.

I work with technology all day. When I go home, I just want to take a break and get away from it, but in today's world, that's impossible.

I'm personally opposed to people trying to eliminate Christianity from this country. That's what it was founded on; without it, it will fall.

The only people who are truly offended by the Ten Commandments are the ones who are breaking them.

Decent people really need to stop giving in to them.

The entertainment world just doesn't get it.

I've had a lot of teachers like this. I feel sorry for them.

Most activists are hypocrites.

People who describe themselves as 'open minded' and 'enlightened' tend to be illogical and impractical.

If we were to take their advice and run the world the way they think it should be run, it'd fall apart before lunch.

Animal rights activists exploit animals worse than normal people who don't care.

Fight fire with fire. Maybe people will see how ridiculous they are.

I'm surrounded by a herd of dieters.

I've never actually played a game of Scrabble.